My phone is the center of my digital life, so when Android 15 added some new theft protection features, I knew I should check them out. Specifically, I wanted to test the novel Theft Detection Lock. Sure, it’s not going to do anything to prevent the actual theft of my phone, but it should keep thieves from accessing my bank account or my photos or deleting all of my Pokemon Go shinies.

What I didn’t expect was that I wouldn’t be able to get it to work at all. Well, not without a little help, at least.

After turning on Theft Detection Lock and heading outside, I was ready to begin my crime spree. I unlocked my phone, handed it to my wife, then promptly snatched it back and ran away.

With my lungs burning after running for roughly 15 seconds, I looked down at the phone and… nothing. It was still unlocked, everything was still accessible, and if a thief had just done this, they could open any app and use it. My beautiful new shiny Voltorb was in a peril I had not fathomed prior to learning about this feature. I did it again and again to no avail — no theft detection and no lock happened.

To be fair, the Android Help page for the feature only claims that “if someone grabs the phone out of your hand and they run, bike, or drive away, the Theft Detection Lock may activate” (emphasis mine). But after dozens of attempts, I was truly stumped.

Earlier this year, the feature was tested in Brazil, where this kind of thing is a serious problem. Those results must have been positive, otherwise Google wouldn’t have rolled it out globally, right?

So maybe my area was too safe to trigger the device? (No, that shouldn’t factor in. As a side note, the company that tested these features is literally a 10-minute drive from where I live in Spain, so any notion that this feature uses location as an indicator was immediately thrown out the window.) Maybe I was too close to areas I frequently visited? Or maybe I just wasn’t the master thief I thought I was.

I reached out to Google to find out what was going on and see if the company could provide some tips on how to steal my own phone. It turns out I was doing it wrong.

Predictably, the new feature detects theft mainly by using the built-in accelerometer. If there’s a sudden movement or change in direction, it’s probable that someone grabbed the phone and ran off. The algorithm uses a few additional metrics, but I won’t share those for the sake of security. Do your own research, thieves.

After looking over Google’s advice, my key takeaway was that thieves are in much better shape than me, and run both longer and faster than this nerdy writer has in more than two decades. After some stretches and an extra cup of coffee, I was able to trigger the Theft Detection Lock successfully.

There weren’t any fireworks or ribbons. My Android phone simply returned to the lock screen. My only rewards were a push notification and a sense of Robin Hoodian achievement.

Under normal circumstances, this is where you’d want to spring into action and take all the necessary steps to protect a lost phone, the first one being to permanently lock it, which is pretty simple with Remote Lock. Assuming you’ve turned it on previously, you can do it by entering your phone number here. You can also reach out to your carrier to have your phone’s IMEI blacklisted so no one else can use the phone.

Even if data is turned off (which will also lock the phone if you turn on Offline Device Lock), Remote Lock will still take effect when a network is detected.

If you’re lucky, you may also be able to locate the phone using Find My Device. Obviously, this has risks, since you may be walking into a literal thieves’ den. Depending on where you live, too, police will probably be unwilling to help, so I wouldn’t recommend this.

Of course, all of these require additional steps. The only thing that Theft Detection Lock does is return the phone to the lock screen so that a petty thief can’t access your data. At that point, a PIN or pattern can still be used to unlock it normally.

I wish Google had built in a few extra features. For example, requiring a biometric unlock on top of the PIN lock to make sure it really is you unlocking the phone.

The feature could also send an automated email notification in addition to a push notification, which is useless when I no longer have my phone, so it’s only visible for false positives. An email requires access to a second device, but odds are you have a laptop or tablet you can quickly access. For inexperienced users, that warning email could even have steps to help them lock their phone, allowing them to protect their data sooner.

To make the process even faster, Google could also send a notification to LTE-connected smartwatches to remote-wipe the stolen device. I’m not saying these need to be on by default, but it would provide extra security for informed users who are traveling in dangerous areas, for example.

While eventually, I could repeatedly trigger the lock (it stops after two consecutive locks to prevent false positives), I wouldn’t put all my eggs in this particular basket. It’s really only useful for protecting your data, not your phone, and there are some pretty glaring issues.

For example, if someone sitting behind you in a coffee shop watches you long enough to learn your PIN, you can kiss that shiny black Charizard goodbye — also, your bank funds.

It also seems like the algorithm is looking for very specific conditions to detect the theft, and one requirement is that you’re actively using an app on your phone. I could not get the feature to trigger with the phone idle on my home screen. In other words, it won’t detect anything if you have your device unlocked on the table in front of you and someone snatches it while you’re not looking.

The same is true for one of the most common places phone theft happens: trains. If someone grabs your phone from your hands right as the train door closes, they won’t have to run.

Still, it’s useful when combined with other features in Android 15’s theft protection suite, such as Remote Lock and Offline Device Lock. It’s at its best when you set it and forget it, even if the effect is largely placebo.

My advice? To truly safeguard your phone and data, just use a wrist strap. Checkmate, thieves.